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last day of may, wow
posted 31 May 07 & filed under more me
i’m still working on that longgggg to-do list, and have actually made another, with the first item being “finish online to-do list”.. ah, you know it’s bad when that happens. ;) yesterday i worked all day, came home and just collapsed for twelve+ hours of sleep. had really strange, and mostly upsetting, dreams the whole time – or what i could remember at least when i woke up this morning. thankfully, the dreams are now all gone from my head and have left only a faint dream-aftertaste.
i feel like the ground is kind of shifting below my feet, beyond any control of mine and moving me around no matter how hard i try to stand my ground. i’m tired of willing things to be on my own, though i’m sure, as always, i’ll get an umpteenth wind at some point. 
for today.. well, ten years ago i would have tried to sleep the day away. maybe because it’s too hot or maybe, as i like to think it, because i’ve matured, i’m just going to keep myself busy with no time to think and freak: babysitting, knitting, reading, cleaning, etc. if a handful of things go bad, or guilt gets thrown my way, etc., i might teeter over into sleep-the-day-away, but for right now, i can walk this tightrope, i can. i can even smile and skip a few daring steps.
the older i get, the more i realize how alone i am, how very much on my own i am. .. she says from her room in her parent’s attic on the way to her sister’s house. ha. but still, really, that’s how it is. it’s all up to me and i can’t tell you how strange that feels. you’d think a middle child in a big family would know that already, huh? 
..somewhat i have a reluctance to post how down i really am – to really examine my downess ;) as i have in the past – because i know who reads my writings here (can’t help the truth!) and i don’t want my family, etc. all worried and feeling guilty (which they shouldn’t!), but partially i’ve just examined the downess (yes, it’s a made-up word) sooo many times already, i just have a kind of distance from it, from that part of me, at least today, right now, and that feels good. it’s sometimes worrisome how a person can split themselves into all these little compartments, but others time it’s a big old relief.
so. that’s me today, at least as of 11:04 am. as always, some pics to lighten this whole post up: recent activities include some paper experiments, some knitting, and some spinning. they, and my cats, keep me sane and even inspired. hope you have similar sources of sanity & inspiration around you ~ ~
Comments
I like those sleeves. Hope the down-ness subsides soon. I can relate to everything you said and sometimes knowing that everything is up to you is energizing, even exilarating, but sometimes it’s just tiring and you want someone else to step in and take care of things. It’s just the way life works; you have something at the exclusion of somethig else and you relish one or the other depending on the overall trend of your life and the circumstances of the moment. Gee, listen to me… never mind. All I mean is really: Hugs! Anzi, un’abbracciatona forte forte. :)
I know exactly what you mean about the compartmentalizing. I think it can be a helpful coping mechanism at times, actually. I’m so sorry you’re feeling down, but I’m glad you’re able to find solace in things around you that bring you joy. Hang in there, Andrea. Sending you a big hug from LA…
~ Nonnahs
I can relate, too. I’ve been feeling the same downess since I moved back to Spokane. It sucks. but routine is good, and so is the knitting and spinning. It’s what keeps me sane, too. Hope you find some peace soon :)
~ moni
There are times when there are no words to express true encouragement, since I am sure you have heard or thought them a million times. So instead I am sending you a warm hug….
I love the Rogue sleeves. I can not wait to see the rest of the sweater.
I love the new background photo. I hear you on the rest. We are born alone and we die alone, so it is no wonder that we must be alone in between. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and stare at my ceiling and think that if I lost my job the next day there would be absolutely no one I knew who could bail me out, given the vast amounts of school debt that I had accrued. No one to pay my rent, buy my groceries, let alone get me back on track. If you think on it too long, it is overwhelming. My new trick is to simply do, rather than think. I believe it, I will it, I do it – and it happens. I don’t know that it can last forever, but perhaps if I don’t ponder it too much, it will. :)
~ Julia
i’m sorry you’re feeling down—maybe you need a change of scenery (a mini-vacation) to rejuvenate? i highly recommend Vancouver, BC—i just got back, and it’s just so beautiful up there.
~ lalitha