"Why should we hear about body bags and deaths? Oh, I mean, it's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"
- Barbara Bush, 3/18/03

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thirty-one

posted 12 March 08 & filed under

.. and eight days. i’m a firm believer in birthday months, you know, so i’ve been having little celebratory moments all week.

i found this picture today, organizing my room with a burst of spring cleaning fever – it’s from just a little less than ten years ago. i remember i was in moscow – i was living there for a semester my junior year in college – and was planning on heading back to maryland in the middle of my stay for just a week, to attend my brother’s wedding. they needed a photograph of me, for some visa paperwork stuff, so i got this pic taken at a random photo booth in a metro station. i was freshly twenty-one, having just finished a summer in new york city, crazy head-over-heels in love with a boy that was far away, i had super short hair for the first time in my life, was living thousands of miles from anyone i knew, and generally was feeling all brand new. kinda freaked out by that, but loving it all the same.

so, i look at this photo now and i think, oh my, that’s not me anymore. that’s some other girl. and that makes me sad. there’s things about that other girl that i wouldn’t want back, no way, i’m glad i have learned some things, i have grown up in some ways. but.. maybe that’s it. that’s a girl there. and though i feel girlish at times, i don’t feel like a girl anymore. i’ve been thinking this for a while actually.. this is the year that i grew up, this is the year that i became an adult. maybe that’s silly, thirty-one is a pretty old age to grow up, huh? finally, right? but there it is. inescapable thought. believe me, i’ve tried to escape it.

of course, that girl is somewhere in me, layers deep, just like the five year old and the baby and so on. but i can never be that same girl again, and so today, a week after my birthday – after the days of celebrating thirty-one years on this planet – i’m taking a few moments to miss that girl. and miss my girlhood. it was a really good one, all in all – i was a really lucky girl. and oh my gosh did it fly. i can remember sitting in that booth, waiting for the flash, more clearly than i can remember yesterday, in a way, you know?

it’s funny – birthday’s have always been to me about looking forward, what’s the coming year going to be like, etc etc, but now i see you can look at it the other way too.. appreciate the now, yes! and the future, of course! but also, celebrate and yes even mourn for what has passed and can never be again – there were hundreds of precious moments that have passed, and only i was there for all of them and know what has gone. so, here’s to memories. and girlhood. and thirty-one years of living life…

thanks, as always, for reading ~ ~ hope march has been good to you so far.

Comments

Happy belated birthday!

I too find birthdays a reflective time.

The personal growth during our twenties is so hard to quantify. I can relate to your sentiments. Personally, I am in awe of those who couple-up in their early twenties and remain fulfilled and happy within their relationship decades later.

~ loriz (Mar 12, 12:34 PM#)

Events make you grow up much more than the simple passing of time does, and the past few months have been hard for you, but don’t feel that you can only be a girl or a grown up. You can be both. :)

Buon compleanno biondina!

~ Francesca (Mar 12, 12:55 PM#)

9th march was my birthday :). i’ve enjoyed reading your article.

~ Jogos (Mar 14, 07:23 PM#)

Happy birthday! Hope it was wonderful. I just celebrated my 39th. My older brother reminded me that this was the last year of my thirties. Yikes! It kind of got me to thinking quite a bit lately, too. About similar things.

~ Moni (Mar 18, 11:13 AM#)

Happy birthday! You know, I think it’s the sadness that makes you feel grown up. The difficulties that you’ve faced this year with family illness in particular, but also in leaving LA, and other things make this a milestone year in your life. I had several years like that when I lost my brother (I was 29), but the last few years, especially in LA and with knitting friends, I am feeling more girlish. Even as a mother to be! (Yikes, that was scary to write!) I know there are good aspects to this grown-upedness you’re experiencing, but don’t get yourself too settled in it, because a few years from now you will likely be re-newed. I feel younger now than I did then. And that is nice too. Lots of love to you, J

~ Julia (Mar 20, 05:45 PM#)

hi there. i am a fairly new reader, found you via julia’s list, and i read a bit back and i wanted to say you have my prayers and thoughts. i think your previous post about time was written so well, so beautifully. i used to work in hospital, many times with people that were going through what your father and family are…hearing it from your perspective is a special thing. i hope your birthday brings you to a new year with many different and beautiful moments. 31 was the year that i had my twins and realized that i was a grown up, took me that long too. but it brought so much more. like i said, my thoughts are with you.

~ mamie (Mar 20, 09:09 PM#)