so-crates

[written 06/10/04]

hi.

“socrates… was skeptical of writing, fearing that “it will implant forgetfulness” in the human mind, offering “no true wisdom, but only its semblance.” i have a serious problem remembering things ~ i can’t remember much at all before i was eight or nine, not unless i really try. of course, i remember big stuff, like picking out names for my little sisters before they were born, and being forgotten at a burger king once (!), and my kindergarten graduation dress. but i hear other people talking about when they were six, four, eight, with such vividness. even if i really try, it doesn’t get that vivid and often i don’t how much is really what i remember from experiencing it or from remembering pictures from that time or stories my mother/sisters/etc tell me from that time. it’s been in the last few years that i’ve realized i can’t remember much more recent really big stuff. like i can’t remember my first kiss. and it’s not like i’ve kissed a bunch of people, i know who it was, but i don’t remember the kiss at all. i know it was important, i know i was thrilled, but i know that something’s wrong if i don’t remember that in more detail. or remember countless other important stuff.

so what does that socrates quote have to do with this? i read my journals from when i was eight and i barely recognize myself. who is this girl who lists sheila e. as one of her favorite musicians? who kept asking god to forgive her for writing down that her big sister was a jerk (underlined three times followed by many exclamation marks)? or, later, who wrote that she’ll never forget the way he (another he, not the first-kiss-he) looked that night kissing her? most often i alternate between cringing and feeling bewildered while reading old journal entries. also, i get angry very often, wanting to yell at this foolish girl writing existential crap, “you’re loosing that boy through your stupidity! grow up and get a grip!” or “stop being so self-involved! your sister just wants to talk to you!”

ha. yet here i am doing the same thing again. but letting the whole world see it, too, if they wanted to. at first, this site was all about keeping links handy for me, since i had no computer and was getting tired of writing down all my bookmarks all the time. then, i added little messages to my family (obstensibly. i don’t think they read them 99% of the time, but i felt less guilty about being an absent sister/daughter.) but they were literally a few sentences and updated every few months or so. then, i went through a stage of not bringing up any sadness or conflicts i was feeling in life, just extended link-finds. (though things were pretty happy then, and seemed to be getting better all the ti-i-ime, getting better, better.) then things got increasingly sad and i didn’t want to just stop all this nor did i want to write as if all was ok. hence, this kind of drama-filled unwanted mess. what to do? boh. and in the meantime, a floundering public mind-puddle.

~ andrea