when it rains, it pours

[written 09/22/04]

today has been a miserable day so far. yes, this will be a moaning clutching-my-head kind of post so feel free to skip away to some happier site. there’s much to be unhappy about today, but here’s a smattering:

first of all, i hate fighting and i do it all the time.

second of all, i haven’t taken my contacts out in two days and this morning my right eye was burning like crazy when i woke up. on the way to work, the sunlight practically blinded my right eye so that tears were streaming down my face while i was driving, trying very carefully not to plow into the other cars around me. finally, while getting on the 101 freeway, out popped the right contact which in a way was bliss because the searing pain was over, but in a way terrifying because i was after all driving on a major highway with only one eye ‘working’ and the other one still streaming tears.

thirdly, today was a day of ‘all meetings, all the time’ with no less than three consultants to confer with at once. a bunch was accomplished, i think, but right now i feel an overload of information (i.e. a whopper of a headache). besides which i can barely see them so i just keep violating the whole personal space thing. and the whole time i’m talking, i can feel them just staring at my grotesquely red-veined eye-boogery-filled eye, urgh.

then, school starts next week and i just still haven’t been able to motivate myself that much about it. it’s not so much about the individual classes i’ll be taking (kid’s lit, indexing & thesaurus, and public libraries) but just the fact i’ll have more responsibilities and deadlines. and also i’ll be committed to spending time attending class; time being a commodity i’m already really selfish about.

also, i am still sick. still coughing a quite phlegmy cough, which is pretty disgusting and i embarass too easily about that kinda of stuff. and i’m way underslept. argh, i’m just going to keep falling apart if i don’t do something about all this. sigh. no, i won’t fall apart, i think i’m a bit of a workhorse in a way, i’ll be fine till the bitter end and then i’ll just drop dead. argh. that’s too morbid, i’m (pretty much) kidding about me being like that. and poor workhorses! ah, sometimes i just feel the world sucks.

lastly, i am sick to death of worrying about the following three things: money, my car, & my fridge. although it will make my dad very very unhappy, i am determined to have a talk with him about pulling money out of savings. of course, i will feel tremendous guilt since all three of these problems are basically due to my general incompetence during the last oh four years in general, and also guilt for being so whiney when others have so much bigger problems and why can’t i be more grateful dagnammit?!

and really lastly, sometimes, after fighting & beings really unhappy, when i look at this site, my postings, all this cheery optimism and linking, etc (at least it seems mostly cheery to me..) i just want to bang my head against the wall. i feel so foolish and fake. how do others deal with this division between real life and how they are portraying it? i know it’s just a blog, just a site, chill, right? it doesn’t need to be the whole truth so help me god. but.. if it never mentions the unhappy parts of life, the conflicts (without betraying others’ confidences or right to privacy), then why even bother with this whole thing?

perspective is needed right now, i know. i’m just wallowing. i promise to be more optimistic very soon. my last post was so reasonable, “B-A-L-A-N-C-E” and all that. .. maybe before i can move up i need to sink a little lower..