top down / i’m a stress monkey

[written 03/11/05]

i’ve been in my head a lot lately. one sure way of knowing this: when i speak out loud i get kinda surprised at hearing my voice. so, yeah, i’ve been pretty alone this week. even at work and at school, i’ve been quieter than usual.

not sure why. partially, i think i’ve just gotten used to not being very social at all and last week was very social for me—what with my mom visiting, the surprise party at work, and a party i went to last weekend (i never go to parties anymore! the thing is, i used to know people who threw parties all the time, had get-togethers every weekend, etc.. ah well, growing up is hard to do.)—so that social whirlwind last week has thrown off my balance a bit.

one real reason, for sure, is that for the first time in a while, i’ve spent almost every night this week in my apartment alone—no big reason why (at least i hope not), it just turned out this way. and i’ve liked it—and i’ve hated it. it goes both ways.

one way i like it: for a while now i’ve been wondering just how selfish a person i am – like am i too selfish to ever have kids? would i resent them from taking away my free time? but now with all this free time, i’m realizing something i learned and forgot a long time ago: i work so much better with a set plan. so i’m thinking (hoping) that with kids i would just have an extremely controlled schedule and i’d like it and even thrive in it! (plus the whole joy of having kids blahblahblah.)

and another thing i realized: i’m fine with never ever finishing any of my ‘to do’ lists. even if i never do all the items on my usually-crazy-ass-long ‘to do’ lists, just knowing that there’s a plan calms me down so much.

until i remembered all this, i was tossing and turning at night (wednesday and thursday night), watching crappy tv (monday night), and forcing myself to read a book i really wasn’t getting into (last night). i’m jinxing myself horribly, but tonight should be tossing-free. ..anyhow,i know my quietness, etc is coming from more than just ‘free time’ anxiety, but for today, for now, i’m happy i figured out this much (again) at least.

ay, my writing today is so choppy—but hopefully coherent and not too annoying. it’s friday, forgive me!

here’s to hoping this weekend will be great ~

(of course, my two final papers are due next week but will i start them this weekend? of course not! school has definitely taken a backseat this year and so far at least, my learning hasn’t suffered an iota and i’m a lot less stressed. yay for part-time schooling!)