too much .. and then later, i’m ok, you’re ok

[written 05/05/05]

it’s a cranky post today so feel free to skip skip away.. [update: but it gets real positive at then end, promise]

basically i’m feeling overwhelmed. yesterday was my all-class-all-the-time day and it went ok but i really feel like i’m just coasting by and not really learning like i should be, like i want to. it feels like college, in a way, or at least the bad times in college when i was just all ‘fuck it. i just wanna pass.’ i don’t quite have that attitude here, but it’s resembling it in alarming ways.. and i’m in graduate school for goodness sakes! no one forced me to do this, so i’m doing this for the love of learning really (right?). and the thing is the stuff being covered is by and large really really interesting. but i am behind, oh am i behind. and my mind just isn’t on school at all, and hasn’t been really since last spring. yes, a long while back.

yesterday in class, reeling from the realization that it’s halfway through the quarter and i’ve learned nothing at all, i figured out a “plan” (you’ll understand the quotes later) to conquer my lateness, and generally prioritize my life a bit, get some much-needed but always-missing balance into it.. i figured out how many hours in a week i spend on the basics: sleeping, school, work, driving (particularly depressing, it’s all down time, sigh), cooking and eating, cleaning, and showering/getting ready. that left me with around 35 hours a week – and i decided, 14 for studying, 12 for knitting, and 8 just totally free time. doesn’t sound too painful, right?

but i’ve made many such a plan before, though this is the first time i trust myself so little i make general hour-by-hour plans! these long-range-type plans always end up feeling too claustrophobic. and there’s the whole ‘i just gotta be me’ thing, too, dontcha know. well, that’s the plan, man. of course right now i’m supposed to be in the shower, after having done, for the first time in weeks my morning pilates thing, but instead i’ve been taptaptapping on this computer for the past hour. agh. no self-control, nope, none here.

p.s. i don’t mean this to be a pityfest or anything, it’s just helpful to write it out and get it out, you know what i mean? and writing helps me put things into perspective and.. ahh, now i’m late for work.
——
pt. 2: though this better mood might just come from singing duran duran songs in my car on the way to work, i’m feeling much more positive right now. i’m the kind of person who can just deny reality for months and months, seriously, but in the past few years i’ve learned that a) i do that, and b) it’s really really unhealthy and unhelpful. so i think i need to do this semi-freak-out re-assessing thing every few months or so just to be clear that i’m not living in a dream world, that this is reality, and i’m aware of it. sounds psychotic, huh? or at the very least, i’m the poster child for pisces.

oh, did you notice?: 5/5/5!

also, check out the always excellent amanda’s latest lovelies at homebaked.ca.