i can’t believe it

[written 10/16/06]

it’s done. booked flights, moving container (a Relo-Cube, ack, what a name) contracted, cats added to flight list, family told. when? halloween, early afternoon.

my mom called this morning and my very-pregnant sister seems ready to pop, or rather the bouncing boy in her is rarin’ to bounce right out. he’s not due until the 25th, but at this rate, he’d be a nine pounder+ if they waited that long, as he’s already 6 lbs 15 oz. !

anyhow, the birth is looking more like the 2nd of november, at the latest. so, my dates have moved up a bit, just a few days but it feels so real all of a sudden. i keep saying that, as weeks have passed, and yet it continues to surprise, how more-real it feels each and every time i remember ‘oh, i’m moving!’. i feel like my heart’s going to explode and shrivel up at the same time. arghhh. the last two nights i’ve been tossing and turning, my jaw clenched when i wake. when i manage to toss it off, i.e. not let my thoughts wander over there in the least bit, then i’m fine and happy and excited for the world and my life and all that cheeriness.

but right now? deluge. unhappy, unhappy. i hear the voices of my nieces over the phone, and i get excited. i look around at my apartment, and i want to call the whole thing off. i keep going back and forth, like an inane yo-yo.

ok. breathe, right? breathe. .. i feel doom pounding in my ears, a far off bach melody getting louder and heavier as it approaches. not a good attitude. lose-lost, right? ..

warning: if i post at all in the next two weeks, there will be drama. lots of written sobbing. melodrama at the very least. i’m trying to do all this gracefully – this is something i chose after all and i believe this is a good thing, the right thing, to be doing, and it doesn’t have to be permanent, i could come back in months if i really wanted to – but that doesn’t make it really all that easier. and in fact, the coward in me wishes i had no choice, that it was up to someone else.

i could go on, but poor you. it’ll be fine. i’ll be fine. what’s the big deal, right? right. everything will be great. ha! ok, sarcasm down, and here’s two pics to make this all a bit more palatable. it’s yarn i handpainted this weekend with natural dyes (a bit of an abrupt switch, huh) – pretty though, no?

hope your monday is not kicking your butt.

p.s. i found two – two! – holes in my madli’s shawl. it’s still all folded up from the discovery moment, i can’t bear to pull it out and figure what happened. not today at least. i feel like scarlett o’hara, but maybe tomorrow, yes, tomorrow i’ll face it. ugh.

p.s. again. posts i owe: a book meme, urban aran pics and write up, natural dye workshops #2 and #3, and a tonnnn of links.