last day of may, wow

[written 05/31/07]

i’m still working on that longgggg to-do list, and have actually made another, with the first item being “finish online to-do list”.. ah, you know it’s bad when that happens. ;) yesterday i worked all day, came home and just collapsed for twelve+ hours of sleep. had really strange, and mostly upsetting, dreams the whole time – or what i could remember at least when i woke up this morning. thankfully, the dreams are now all gone from my head and have left only a faint dream-aftertaste.

i feel like the ground is kind of shifting below my feet, beyond any control of mine and moving me around no matter how hard i try to stand my ground. i’m tired of willing things to be on my own, though i’m sure, as always, i’ll get an umpteenth wind at some point. for today.. well, ten years ago i would have tried to sleep the day away. maybe because it’s too hot or maybe, as i like to think it, because i’ve matured, i’m just going to keep myself busy with no time to think and freak: babysitting, knitting, reading, cleaning, etc. if a handful of things go bad, or guilt gets thrown my way, etc., i might teeter over into sleep-the-day-away, but for right now, i can walk this tightrope, i can. i can even smile and skip a few daring steps.

the older i get, the more i realize how alone i am, how very much on my own i am. .. she says from her room in her parent’s attic on the way to her sister’s house. ha. but still, really, that’s how it is. it’s all up to me and i can’t tell you how strange that feels. you’d think a middle child in a big family would know that already, huh? ..somewhat i have a reluctance to post how down i really am – to really examine my downess ;) as i have in the past – because i know who reads my writings here (can’t help the truth!) and i don’t want my family, etc. all worried and feeling guilty (which they shouldn’t!), but partially i’ve just examined the downess (yes, it’s a made-up word) sooo many times already, i just have a kind of distance from it, from that part of me, at least today, right now, and that feels good. it’s sometimes worrisome how a person can split themselves into all these little compartments, but others time it’s a big old relief.

so. that’s me today, at least as of 11:04 am. as always, some pics to lighten this whole post up: recent activities include some paper experiments, some knitting, and some spinning. they, and my cats, keep me sane and even inspired. hope you have similar sources of sanity & inspiration around you ~ ~