last day of february

[written 02/29/08]

i was going to write that it’s been really scaring me how o.k. the world is with me giving up my life. how i basically quit one job, am barely working the other, don’t even try to schedule anything social or outside of the house, and am essentially homebound 24/7. life can be so full of conflicts, but one thing is clear – i’ll do anything to help my dad, so there’s no regrets there – – as is true for all of us who love him and are doing all we can. but still, it is scary how everything just keeps moving on. i know i’m just one of billions, yet – – life has slowed down to frame-by-frame for me. how can something so gigantic like that happen and yet make no dent in the world out there?

one of my sisters and i were wondering the other day – how often have we been at a mall, for instance, and just spent hours wandering around, shopping? and how many times have we seen really underslept women wandering around as well, with surprised and hurt eyes, wearing wrinkled clothing, basically looking like they just stumbled out of bed? and then – the cincher – how many times have those women been in the situation we find ourselves in – where they’re caring for someone with a terminal illness – people who found, or were given, an hour to themselves for literally the first time in a week – or people who’s loved one just died and now they’re free in a way they never hoped to be?

it’s amazing, just really amazing how clueless one can be. and how sad to have to be clued in this way. compassion is something every child has, but unfortunately as adults, we often only remember that compassion once we have no other choice.

so, i was going to write that it’s really scary to me how o.k. the world is with me giving up my life, and it still is scary, but really? things can always be worse. i get so much happiness out of an hour to myself, out of a night’s conversation, from making my nieces and nephews giggle, from taking a long hot shower. so, hold on to happiness. let the sadness come, but shoot, don’t let it take over. and next time i see a sad stumbling person out there, i’ll look in their eyes and give a slow sad smile. not with pity, but acceptance. we’ve all been there, or if we’re one of the lucky ones, like i was until very recently, we all will be there at some point in our lives. life is frightening in its fragility, but two things are sure: there is strength in numbers
and happiness and laughter can be found even in the most surprising and darkest times.

..ah, so rambly and preachy. hope that’s ok – it’s more for me than you. take care ~ and here comes march.. !

… my life right now. …