i can hear a storm approaching*

[written 08/14/08]

(*ominous title, but i mean it literally. and it thrills me, of course. yay rain.)

what’s become normal now is for me to think, “oh but poppy is..” and then my brain just skips. stops right there and literally, a little hop and i move on. and that feels right and necessary. but then other times, it’s the opposite – it’s almost like an indulgence, a pleasure, to force myself to think that he is gone. it’s like i know it will cause pain, but i kinda need that pain, because at least that will stop me from feeling, for a bit at least, this frustrating anxious explosive feeling that keeps building up in me each day, that makes me become a leg shaker while sitting, a tight-mouthed and perpetually clenched body andrea.

still, compared to the last ten months, this past almost-month has been good. good! can you believe that. there’s been more crying and face-crumpling then almost at any point in my life, but still it’s been good. i think a crucial part of that has been the brain skips. i keep expecting my dad to walk in, like normal, and then stop in his tracks and say, ‘whaaat? i’m dead?! uhh, i don’t think so!” another crucial part has been the babies – can i just say again how much i love being an aunt? they and the cats have saved me countless times from just drowning in the sadness of minutes passing.

it’s just a mix of ups and downs. it really is. and i’m not trying to make sense of it all (though i am organizing my thoughts a tad with this post). and partially that’s because underneath, and not even that far under, i’m really really angry. that also explodes out at random moments, and has forced me to breathe deeply and concentrate whenever i get in a car, in fear that a stupid driver will provide some easy channel for my rage.

but with all that said, today i’m happy. it’s amazing how the body and brain and heart and all that can hold so many things, so many feelings. but this is the best part: i love. i’m loved.

sorry, still puttering around on this here website. but i had to write this. ~ thanks for all your sweet email and comments. it really helped me, you all are good friends.