dear friends, once more
in journal
my girls are 5 and 7 now, so if i were someone else i would say that is still very young, those are little kids and the mom is still a new mom in a way. but woah, it feels very differently on this side. on this side, it seems like there so’s many versions, even lifetimes!, of me as a mother. the expectant mother, the nursing mother, the toddler mother, the pre-school mother, the elementary school mother. and then there’s the patient mother, the creative mother, the mother-who-loses-her-shit, the depressed mother, the grateful mother, the stressed-out mother, the joyful mother, the cuddly mother, the lazy mother.
it is hard to not put my own messes onto my girls - either by taking out my frustrations and sad emotions etc on them -or- by projecting, thinking they have the same issues i did as a kid or do still now as an adult. so many things wrong with that sentence, those feelings and actions, i know! but every day, i try again. that’s ultimately the only real thing i can do. i mean of course, i can think about what i did wrong, try to be better prepared, try to think ahead, see the big picture, remember they are so small still, remember i am the adult in the situation presumably, and so on - but really at the end of the day, when i’m cleaning up all the little pieces of paper off the floor for the umpteenth time, collecting socks from the corners of the house, folding their clothings, and straightening up the bookshelves (once a librarian, always..), at the end of the day, the most important thing is that i get up the next day and try again.
..of course, in the midst of writing this, i lose my patience and yell at them. ohhh the irony. tempted to delete this entire thing and give up on the idea of doing anything ever again. ha, dramatic much. but no - look, being a parent has been the hardest thing i have ever done. if i had known beforehand what it would be like, i’m not sure i would have chosen it. i really don’t know if i am the right kind of person, if my temperament and personality is really suited to being a mother. and that scares and depresses me. it is the hardest thing i have done and i know it will get harder in some ways as we move into the pre-teen and teen years and beyond. that is mind-boggling.
but with all that said, of course they are also the best thing that has ever happened to me. they are my shining sparkling sweet stars, sun, and moon that eclipse everything and are worth everything to me. i don’t know who i would be without them and i hope i never have to learn. they inspire me and surprise me and make me laugh so much. it’s just impossible to explain ultimately. i love them so, and the love they shower me with, every single day, is just such a gift, such a treasure. they are my heart.
so, again - all i can do is try, and try again. welp, here i go - time to make lunch, time to hang laundry, time to pull myself away from this naval-gazing that however trite and eye-rolling to others is helpful to my heart. writing here, writing somewhere, it’s a balm to my soul, i tell you. ok, bye ~
